The important thing everyone misses about change

How many times has it happened to you? It seems a familiar pattern: we start a new habit, make a change to our lives, do something to make our lives better. Then after just two or three weeks we’ve stumbled to a halt. Our attempts at change have come to a complete stand still. We try change on our own (perhaps several times) and it doesn’t work. So on we go with the rat race. Has this happened to you? If it has, it may be because you didn’t know that change is a team activity.

Everything around us tells us to be independent. So much of Western culture values independence so highly that we start to believe it to be true in every single area of our lives. We keep everything to ourselves. When changing a habit we try to do it on our own, because we have this belief that if we are in anyway dependent we are in ‘debt’ to another. The secret that no one admits, is that in not telling someone that we’re trying to change, we leave ourselves an easy out. Protecting us from failure. It also reveals that we might not be a hundred percent committed to our desired changed.

“The secret that no one admits is that, in not telling someone that we’re trying to change, we leave ourselves an easy out.”

Change is a team activity

“If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”

African Proverb

I don’t like the word accountability. It bristles with something inside me. Something that is fully resistant to the idea of accountability. I think I’ve just seen it done badly too many times. Where accountability becomes a process of giving someone else the right to tell me off and make me feel like a failure, where in submitting to someone else for accountability it feels like what I’ve actually done is agreed to validate their life choices by doing what they want. If I don’t do it the ‘right’ way (for that read their), then I can expect some sort of arbitrary punishment.

I’ve been reading Leadership Coaching and he (Tony Stoltzfus) touched on this topic in chapter 15. He mentioned that unhealthy accountability is not uncommon. To get healthy accountability most of us just need a clearer picture of what good accountability looks like. This is what he suggested: It is positive and energising, it is honest and specific, it must be consistent, and it has to be voluntary. I have to ask for it. One recommendation he made was to give the person you are asking accountability from, the question you want them to ask you. We tell the person what we want them to ask us.

Motivation only lasts so long

Habits have been estimated to take around six weeks to form. That is an achievable amount of time. Most of us are able to successfully break through the early challenges, and set the habit. The problem is that too often a hiccup, or change in routine (a weekend away, extra stress at work, change in weather etc.) and we fall out of the new habit. Unbreakable habits, the ones that even if you are unable to continue the activity for a short time, you can pick-up again quickly, take much longer to form. Maybe as long as six months. Motivation cannot and will not last that long. We need to remember change is a team activity. We must ask someone to help us on our journey. Let another encourage us, lend us their motivation and be consistent with it.

This idea is one of the things that makes coaching so successful. Every session the client sets the action steps and goals that they want to put into practice. Then at the beginning of the next session we talk about the progress made. This is one of my favourite parts of the session: seeing the positive, encouraging the forward movement, and drawing out the learning.

If you’ve heard of the Hawthorne effect you’ll know that it has been found that just being watched improves our performance. Even though our pride wants us to believe we can do it all on our own, I encourage you, find someone to support you.

Time for action

“Well begun is half done.”

Aristotle

Every year we set new years resolutions. Every year they are the same ones: live healthier, spend less, learn something new, quit a bad habit; and then we fail. Only nine percent of people feel they are successful with their resolution. This doesn’t mean give up. Instead it means try a new strategy. Change is a team activity, so get some support on your journey.

  1. Identify something you want to change
  2. Choose a trusted person to support you
  3. Outline your expectations of them
  4. Start

One of the most damaging things of starting a new habit and stopping after just a few weeks is that we get used to breaking commitments to ourselves. Next time you start something, commit to it completely, get some support, make an achievable plan, and commit for the long term.

What will you do now?


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